A Message from the 'Consent Queen': Why Alcohol and Consent Don't Mix

After 15 years of teaching health education and discussing consent with thousands of students, one topic consistently knocks my "crown off" — that tricky little concept of alcohol and consent.

Hi, I'm Kyle Mortenson (AKA Consent Queen)

Does consent need to happen sober? Many teens don’t think so.

When I first started teaching about consent, sex, and all things related to bodies and dating, I worked primarily with middle school students. For three years, these younger students mostly accepted what I taught them, bringing their innocence, giggles, and occasional misinformation to the table. You could always spot potential misconceptions when they started sentences with "Well, my brother told me that..."

But it wasn't until I began working with high school students that I faced my first real challenge to a fundamental pillar of consent education. In 2014, during what I call a "Locker Room Talk" with 55 varsity football players, a student questioned the "Consent is Sober" principle (part of the FRIES model from Planned Parenthood: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific).

I was momentarily caught off guard. These athletes had no problem with any other aspect of consent — they genuinely believed in respecting boundaries and were passionate about breaking "jock" stereotypes. But this one principle sparked at least 20 minutes of deep discussion.

Why does sobriety matter if all the other elements of consent are present?

I naively thought this was a one-time occurrence, but throughout my career, the connection between alcohol and consent has consistently been the sticking point for students. This wasn't unique to my school either. During workshops at other schools, from college prep athletes to graduating seniors, the same questions arose:

"Why does sobriety matter if all the other elements of consent are present?"

At one school where I was asked to work specifically with graduating young men, the students weren't argumentative — they were genuinely perplexed. That conversation was when I started using impromptu skits to bust the myth that drinking and sex automatically go together.

These quick, off-the-cuff scenarios were simple but eye-opening. I'd grab volunteers to act out situations where someone was clearly drunk: one student "borrowing" the intoxicated person's car without asking, taking their wallet, or offering to babysit while visibly impaired.

The students immediately got it. "Would you say it's okay to take someone's wallet just because they're drunk?" Their reactions were immediate: "No way, that's still stealing!" We'd talk about how being intoxicated doesn't suddenly make theft or irresponsibility okay.

Then we'd connect the dots to consent. If we all agree that being drunk doesn't make it acceptable for someone to take your stuff or for you to neglect responsibilities, why would sexual consent be any different?

Watching their faces as they made these connections was priceless. Students who moments before were confused about "gray areas" would suddenly nod and say things like, "Oh, so if I'm too drunk to drive, I'm probably too drunk to make other big decisions too." It was the first time I felt like I was truly making a connection on this topic.

Finding the power of "Why" & our important ‘Firsts’ when discussing consent & alcohol

Over time, I realized what was missing in my approach: the power of "why." Rather than just stating facts and sharing stories about cases like Steubenville, I needed to help students understand why alcohol and consent don't mix.

Now, when students question this principle, I turn it around and ask them to tell me why drinking would matter in a sexual situation. This opens the door to debunking myths that sex and drinking naturally go hand in hand or that alcohol somehow enhances the experience. Based on their explanations of “parties” or the constant stream of entertainment that often perpetuate this idea that drinking is commonly present.  Or that you need to physically need to be able to “lose our inhibitions” in order to physically connect with people. A great place to see this in “real vs, reel life” is https://therepproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/Ten-Rape-Myths-In-Media.pdf

I compare it to other firsts in life: "Think about riding a bike for the first time. You had no idea what you were doing, but that doesn't mean you wanted to drink while learning!" With classes, we often make lists of important "firsts" — experiences they're glad to have clear, positive memories of.

The "Loophole" around alcohol and consent.. That wasn't

Despite these improvements in my approach, challenges still arise. Three years ago, a freshman student proudly approached me with what he thought was a clever loophole:

"Mrs. Mortenson, we were just talking and... hear me out. My girlfriend says I have her consent, so when we go to parties and she is drinking or gets drunk, verbal consent or 'freely given' no longer apply. That's cool, right?"

This student wasn't being smug — he genuinely believed he was being a respectful partner by discussing consent ahead of time. Rather than shaming him, I simply asked:

"Have you ever wondered why your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you unless she's under the influence and not of sober mind? Does that sound like someone who actually wants to have sex?"

Then I followed up: "If a friend said, 'I finally had sex with Jenna—yeah, she said as long as she was drunk it was cool,' how would you react to that?"

The realization hit him hard. He had never considered that his girlfriend might not actually be ready for sex, or that he might not be ready either unless the conditions were skewed in his favor. Later that day, he returned to talk more. The confident, popular persona faded away, revealing just a young boy like so many of our students. There were tears, tissues, and plans to change his thought process.

How consent & alcohol are an ongoing conversation

In my years of teaching and answering over 4,000 questions, this idea of sobriety and consent continues to come up. I'm honored to keep refining my approach so that students everywhere can not only understand the answer but also the underlying principle.

We need to start by questioning why alcohol and sex have become synonymous in our culture and work to debunk this harmful connection. Students need to know that intimate experiences are naturally awkward, and that's okay—it's part of connecting with someone.

Nobody knows exactly what they're supposed to do the first time they hold hands, kiss, or have sex, but being fully present for those moments is truly worth it.

Teach on! The Consent Queen

(If you want to hear more from the Consent Queen, take a look at her website)